


These Pages Are All I Have

by princess_hazza



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Letters, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up, louis cries a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-27
Updated: 2016-03-27
Packaged: 2018-05-29 12:09:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6374191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princess_hazza/pseuds/princess_hazza
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s been six months. Six months and Louis was still hurting. Six months and he hasn’t heard a single word from Harry, doesn’t even know where he is. Six months since he came home to an empty home, only a note on a table to tell him that Harry was gone. Six months. Doesn’t seem like a bad thing in hindsight. But being deeply in love with someone when they aren’t there makes those six mere months seem like a lifetime.</p><p>or. Harry leaves Louis, but also leaves a box of letters that are all about Louis. Louis cries and drinks a lot of wine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	These Pages Are All I Have

**Author's Note:**

> written for the prompt: “i found your box of letters underneath my bed last night and because I'm a nosy motherfucker i decided to read them and it turns out they were all addressed to me and the last one was dated the day you moved out and I'm not quite sure why i thought this would be a good idea but here i am, standing on your doorstep, wondering why the fuck we’re not together anymore” 
> 
> I seen this on tumblr and I just had a really strong urge to write it and then I got really lazy so this took about three weeks to write but alas I have finished. I hope you like it, get ready for the sadness.
> 
> [Edit: Russian Translation now available - https://ficbook.net/readfic/4240224 thank you @iwlyfb for translating]

It’s been six months. Six months and Louis was still hurting. Six months and he hasn’t heard a single word from Harry, doesn't even know where he is. Six months since he came home to an empty home, only a note on a table to tell him that Harry was gone. Six months. Doesn't seem like a bad thing in hindsight. But being deeply in love with someone when they aren’t there makes those six mere months seem like a lifetime.

Louis would be lying if he said he was sober. It was his day off and he had no plans, which he had been avoiding. He always kept himself busy because when he was alone all he could do was cry and mourn the love that he had lost. He had decided to tidy his apartment; with loud music blaring he couldn’t let himself think. He was doing okay. Was.

He’d opened a drawer and found the note Harry had left along with other pieces that Harry had forgotten. He didn't realise he was crying until he saw the drops fall onto the paper in his hand. He slid down the wall, the paper clutched in his hand when the sobs broke through his chest. Living like this wasn't how Louis had planned this year to turn out. 

He should be happy. He should be with Harry. But instead he was alone in a too big apartment that he couldn’t afford to move out of. Every turn, every brush against the wall reminded him of Harry. The silent apartment that once used to hold laughter and love now help emptiness and the tears that Louis shared with his pillow.

That’s how Louis found himself an hour later, wandering the house with a bottle of wine in one hand, the note still crumpled up in his fist. He had wandered into his and Harry’s room. It will always be theirs no matter the length of time it’s vacant. He had been sleeping in the spare room, not being able to sleep in the same bed without Harry next to him.

He placed the wine on the dresser by the door and stumbled into the room, tripping over his own feet. He groaned as his body made contact with the carpet. Lying there wasn’t such a bad idea he thought to himself. It wasn’t till his eyes landed on a black box under their bed that he finally moved.

He sat cross legged as he pulled the box out from under the bed and held it in his hands. There was no indication to what its contents were, but he knew it was Harry’s. It was on his side of the bed and Louis knew he didn’t have a random black box under the bed. He stared at it, hoping it would do something, hoping it would tell him what its secrets were so he didn’t have to look himself. However, luck wasn’t on his side.

He stood from his position on the floor and placed the box on the bed, before he grabbed his wine again. He didn’t know what this box held but if it was Harry’s, he knew he would need wine. He sat on the bed, pulling Harry’s pillow into his lap. His hands were shaking as he lifted the lid off the box. His eyebrows creased together as he noticed it was just full of letters and pieces of paper.

There was a note on the top. It made the breath in his lungs catch. It brought a tear to his eyes. Because he knew that writing and he missed it so much. He lifted it up, rubbing at his eyes to get them to focus on the writing.

_To Louis. I don’t know if you’ll ever find this. I hope you do, but I also hope you don’t. This is all for you, all of it. I hope you find it soon, but I guess if you don’t then there’s nothing I can do. I’m sorry. Harry. The man who ran away._

Louis stared at the note in his hand, not knowing what it meant or what to do. It’s all for him. Did he mean the box? Or did he mean that he left for him? Louis couldn’t get his brain to function properly, a constant stream of _HarryHarryHarry_ running non-stop in his brain stopping him. He placed the note down on the sheets next to him and looked at the first letter in the box.

At the top of the letter was the date _September 21 2011._ Which, okay? That was the year that they had met in college. They were in the same English language class together, and Harry had a thing for always writing in that diary of his and would refuse to show Louis what was in it. Picking up the letter he realised that this is what Harry was writing the entire time.

_A new boy came into our class today, he got moved and he’s sitting next to me right now playing tetris on his phone instead of doing the work. Well I guess I’m not doing the work either but this is important. Not to say that his tetris game isn’t as important but, that’s beside the point. The point is that this boy is gorgeous. His name is Louis and his eyes are like oceans that I would very much love to drown in. I think he’s new to this college; he has an accent that’s not from this part of England. I could listen to him talk all day if he would let me._

Louis had to stop reading. He pressed the heel of his palm into his eyes to stop the tears from overflowing. His chest felt tight and his lungs felt as though all the air was gone as he struggled to catch his breath over the sobs that were escaping through his throat. The letters were for him, and the letters were about him. After he managed to regain himself again, he took a swig from the bottle and continued to read the letter.

_I was blown away by how gorgeous this boy was. I knew I was into guys but he’s... something else. I’ve only just met him and he’s only said hello to me but I feel like I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole to wonderland. God, I sound like 15 year old me. When he walked through the door it was as if though the sun had shown itself again and every fairy and angel earned their wings. Maybe I’m being dramatic, or maybe I’m not being as dramatic as this boy deserves. His profile is amazing. He has high cheekbones and golden skin. His hair looks so soft; I’m struggling not to run my hands through it right now. Maybe one day I’ll get to._

_Harry._

Louis remembered this day. He remembered the young boy sat next to him staring at him for a few minutes before he would stick his head into his book. He remembers thinking that the boys’ curls were spectacular and that the rosiness of his cheeks were highly endearing. He remembers thinking his laugh when Louis told him a lame joke. He remembers his soft voice and how nervous he seemed. He remembers wanting to hold the boy in his arms and talk about the stars and what is beyond them.

Louis smiled to himself as he remembered them meeting for the first time. Harry wasn’t the only boy that day that had developed a little crush. If he had known it was a mutual feeling earlier on then maybe they would have discussed it. But either way things still worked out for them. Well. Things did work out for them.

Louis let out a long sigh as he placed the letter down on top of the others. He looked through the box and it looked like there was at least ten long letters in there, mixed in with other small notes. They seemed to be in a particular order that Louis didn’t want to mess up. Harry must have put some thought into this, and it was something new for him from Harry and he wasn’t going to ruin it. This was a new piece of him that he couldn’t let go of. He wasn’t going to lose this.

What made Harry change his mind? What made Harry move from all this feeling after just seeing him to leaving him alone without a proper goodbye? Louis tried not to dwell on it as he picked up the next letter dated _January 15 2012._

_A lot has happened in the past couple of weeks. Louis asked me out on a date! He told me he thought I was interesting and endearing then proceeded to stroke my cheek and mention y blush. I went home and may or may not have danced around in my room until Gemma walked in on me. I have his number on my phone saved under Louis with a banana and football emoji._

Louis still wondered if Harry still had Louis’ number even though he had changed his. When he left Louis tried to call him only to realise that his phone was switched off, and after a week of trying the number was no longer valid. Harry had cut off all ties from him and he still didn’t know why, and that’s why it still hurts.

_Anyway, we went to a small cafe that sold amaaaaaazing toasties and hot chocolate. We talked for well over an hour. He told me about why they moved – because his mum had gotten a job at the hospital here. And he told me about his sisters and how he helped his mum to bring up Lottie I think her name was, and how he would sometimes rather spend the day with all his sisters than go out with his mates. He told me about when he moved here he didn’t really have any friends but he met a boy named Zayn and they bonded really quickly._

_He then got tired of talking and asked about me. I told him about my sister and my mum. I told him what I’m studying and how long I had been living here. On paper the conversation doesn’t sound very thrilling but Louis could make a dull room lighten up. When we left, he held my hand and walked me home. He said he wanted to treat me right and that he was going to be a gentleman._

_We went through the park and he bought us a cookie from the bakery where I work. When we got back to mine he hugged me really tightly. It was great. I could feel all the warmth from his body in mine. And I could feel how soft his skin was and how his hair tickled my neck. He told me he would really love o take me out on another date, and I agreed on the condition that I paid next time. He was quick to agree, said he wasn’t going to say no to anything as long as he got to see me again._

_Oh and when he went to leave, I kissed him on the cheek before quickly running inside the house._

_Harry._

Tears started to stain the paper in his hands. He remembers the first date as if it only happened yesterday. And he misses it so much. They way that Harry brightened up, the animation of his actions and the way he held himself just reeled Louis in more and more. He wished he could go back and convince Harry that they are meant to be forever, that they should stay side by side. He wished he knew where he fucked up but he can’t pinpoint any moment. He took another swig of wine, feeling himself get tipsier as he placed down the letter with the rest.

He rubbed his hands over his face trying to wipe away the tears staining his cheeks. It wasn’t right, nor healthy to be still so hung up on someone who just up and left but that was the problem. Louis didn’t get time to process that Harry was leaving, he didn’t have the chance to let himself get used to the thought and to get over him, to move on. His breathing was shaking as he tried to regain himself so that he could carry on with the letters.

There was a picture of the two of them, their first selfie together. They were both smiling widely and their faces were pressed together. Louis stroked the pad of his thumb over Harry’s face, before placing the picture face down. He wasn’t strong enough to look at how happy they used to be. He picked up the next letter in the box and looked at the date, _August 12 2012._

_I’m meeting Louis’ parents next weekend; we’re getting the train to Doncaster to meet them. We’re at my parents place at the moment, Louis is asleep right next to me- snoring loudly might I add, but don’t tell him that. He would probably pull that pouty face that I can’t help but fall for. Anyway, that’s off topic._

_He was really nervous about meeting them but as always he managed to charm himself onto their good side. Mum said to me that the way he looked at me was as though I hung the stars. And I looked at him as though he was the sun. He is the sun. I told mum that I loved him, although I and he haven’t really said it. We know that we both feel it, but I think we’re too scared to admit it. But I think I will tell him, he deserves to know._

_Anyway, I’m really nervous about meeting his family. From what he’s told me, it’s pretty big. He has four sisters... four! I only have Gemma and they clicked so easily. But we’re all of similar ages, his sisters are a lot younger and I’m worried they won’t like me. Or his mum. I’m worried most about his mum, because they have such a strong bond. But I guess we’ll wait and see. Louis is sure they will love me, but he’s just saying that._

_Louis is stirring so I better go. Dinner will probably be ready soon and I know Louis will fall in love with my mums’ cooking._

_Harry._

Those two weeks in summer they decided that it was time to meet the parents. They came to that decision because they were so used to spending every day together they didn’t want to be apart for so many weeks over the summer. Especially with Louis going to University in September, they wanted to spend as much time together as they could before he left. They decided that Louis would spend a week at Harry’s and then Harry would spend a week at Louis’. It was worth it though. Louis absolutely loved Anne and Gemma. Gemma had been round recently. She wouldn’t speak about Harry or where he was, but they were friends still. And sometimes Louis just needed the company.

The weekend that Harry met Louis’ family was one of his favourite memories. His sisters had grown a huge liking to Harry’s curls and proceeded to put bunches in his hair and do his make-up. Louis kissed him and said that he looked gorgeous. And while Harry was blushing Louis snapped a picture that he used to tease Harry for many months after. His mum adored Harry and vice versa. That weekend Louis also told Harry that he loved him and Harry said it back. He felt like the happiest, luckiest man in the world.

That turned out to be a load of bullshit.

Louis didn’t know how much he was able to take, how much more he could read, but he knew he wasn’t one to back down and quit. As soon as he picked up the next letter though he wished he had changed his mind. January 8 2013.

_So it’s been one year since me and Louis started dating and I couldn’t be happier. He makes me feel like I’m floating and I am so hopelessly in love with him. I still can’t believe my luck that the cute guy next to me in class feels the same way about me as I feel about him. His eyes are still the prettiest eyes I have ever had the pleasure of gazing into, but now I’m able to just drown in them, like I had always hoped._

_When he holds me, I feel like I’m home. He’s small and bouncy and loud and I want to spend the rest of my life in his arms. I want to hold him every day._

_He’s gorgeous. Words can’t even begin to describe the beauty that is Louis. He’s an enigma, a contradiction. He’s soft but with sharp edges, it’s my favourite thing about him. When I look at him, I could write an entire novel just about the freckles on his cheek._

_I don’t know how I got so lucky to be with him but I’m not going to question it. He may be in Uni at the moment but next year I’m going to join him and we’ll be inseparable again. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I can’t imagine my life any other way._

_Harry._

Why the fuck did they ever break up, why the fuck did Harry ever leave? Louis couldn’t wrap his head around it; they were so good together they were so in love what went wrong? It was times like this that Louis would think over everything that happened in the past few months of their relationship and figure out where he fucked up, but he can never seem to figure it out.

Louis decided he wasn’t nearly drunk enough to be able to get through the rest, especially after that last one. He downed the rest of the bottle and pouted when nothing else came out of it. He went to get some more but as soon as he stop up, it’s like the wine went straight to his head. He swayed from side to side till he fell back down on the bed causing the pile of letters he was making to fall off the other side.

He couldn’t bring himself to care.

He sat staring at the wall till he could feel himself sobering up enough to get something else to drink. Apparently luck wasn’t on his side tonight as all he could find was a carton of orange juice and an out of date carton of milk that really needed to be thrown out. He stumbled back into the room, telling himself that it was a good thing there wasn’t any more wine.

He fell on the bed again ignoring the letters that had fallen earlier and reached for the next letter in the pile. He grabbed a pillow holding it to his chest as he began to read. September 29 2013.

_Me and Louis moved in together! We both attend the same university and we thought what’s the point in us paying for a small dorm room, where we will be separated from each other when we can just get a flat together. I brought my stuff over in August and we even went furniture shopping, it was great. Louis has a part time job at the local super market and I’m still trying to find one, but luckily with my scholarship we don’t have many money problems._

_Louis is just great to live with. I get to wake up to him every morning and he’s the last thing I see when I go to sleep at night. We help each other out with studies and such and we did have a deal to split the chores but that didn’t really last long. I do most of the cleaning and cooking, but Louis is out working a lot so I guess it’s fair._

_Both our parents were worried, they thought we were taking things to quickly; my mum used the argument that we were too young but it just feels right. I want to always live with Louis. And the fact that we are so comfortable living with each other just shows that we were meant to be._

_Anyways I’ve written a lot and I should really be studying oops. See ya._

_Harry._

Their first flat was small and cramped and they only had one sofa which was a problem when they had friends over. They had a crappy TV and they only had the basic channels since they couldn’t afford for a TV box. But it was them. They had pictures of them that Harry had taken on his old Polaroid camera taped to the wall of their bedroom.

They had posters and art in the living room. There was always a pair of socks lying around somewhere. Their clothes were stuffed into a wardrobe and sometimes they would wear each other’s clothes because they couldn’t tell whose was whose any more. When they moved to the bigger flat things started to spread out more and it lost a little bit of their touch.

Maybe that’s why Harry left. Because home didn’t feel like home anymore. But home always felt right when they were both there, no matter where they were it felt like home.

Louis shook his head trying to get the intrusive thoughts out of his head and picked up the next letter dated at December 26 2013.

_IT’S CHRISTMAAAAAAAS! Well it’s technically Boxing Day but whatever! It was mine and Louis’ first Christmas together. We were going to go to our parents but there was this huge snowstorm and well the roads aren’t safe so we stayed at home._

_We had a tiny littler Christmas tree but it’s okay! Because it made it look like there were more presents. Louis bought be a colouring book and a pack of pencils. He also got me a really nice scarf and a pack of socks. I bought him a teddy bear, a box of his favourite chocolates and a couple of t-shirts. He really liked the stuff I got him._

_I loooove the colouring book though, we’ve spent most of the day colouring in today. I’m glad he bought pencils and not pens otherwise there would be a mess. Also we tried to make a Christmas dinner, but all we have was instant noodles, rice and a pack of chicken. We didn’t think to go shopping since we didn’t realise we would be staying here._

_But even though dinner was a failure I loved spending the day with him, especially on Christmas. I missed my family and we’re gonna try and go visit them next week but I don’t think I would have it any other way. He really means a lot to me, and I want to spend all the Christmases with him for the rest of my life._

_Harry._

Their first Christmas really was a mess. They had chicken and rice for dinner and shared a tub of ice cream while watching Christmas movies on their TV. But even Louis, in the state that he’s in, couldn’t deny that its one of his fondest memories of their time together.

He wanted to spend every Christmas together. He wanted to always live with Louis. And yet he was the one who left without giving a reason. As the letters went on Louis wondered if Harry ever did love him as much as these letters make it out to be. He just didn’t know. These past six months have been a haze, and he hasn’t been able to function properly on his own because he misses Harry too much to want to put up a front.

Louis reached for the next letter and looked at the date. January 13 2015. Louis thought there must have been a letter missing as there wasn’t anything from 2014. He looked in the box again and seen a bunch of Polaroid photos of them on holiday together in Paris and them just lazing about. They were all dated 2014. There might not be a letter but the photos were enough to show what that year meant.

They went on holiday together to Paris and there was a mess with the hotel and Harry’s suitcase got lost at the airport but it was still somehow amazing. Louis held an image of the tow of them pressed together when they were at the top of the Eiffel tower. They were both smiling wide and you could see the love in the both of their eyes.

He picked up the next picture and it was of them kissing. In the picture, Louis was cupping Harry’s cheek and it almost looked staged but he knew it was real and he remembered going there and some old man shouting at them. They didn’t understand what he was saying though so they just walked away quickly from him.

There were other pictures of their adventures on holiday yet there was one that stood out. It wasn’t taken by either of them, it must have been when they had friends over and one of them took it. They were wrapped around each other on the sofa. Harry was sat across Louis’ lap and Louis’ arms were wrapped loosely around his waist. Harry must have been speaking because his hands were all over the place, but Louis was staring at him as though what he was currently saying was the most important thing that he has ever heard.

Louis doesn’t remember that moment, but he knows the look that’s in his eyes. At least with the pictures he can confirm to himself that they really did love each other and that Harry really did love him. But that made him even more confused as to why Harry left but he didn’t want to get himself hung over the possible reasons why Harry could have left. He wasn’t drunk enough to let those thoughts invade his mind again.

He stared at the picture some more, just soaking up the feeling that was in their eyes. He placed it on the bedside table, wanting to keep it separate so he wouldn’t lose it. He picked up the letter that was dated just after their three year anniversary.

_Have I ever told you how much I truly love Louis? I know I say it a lot but have Ii ever really put it into a perspective? I don’t think I have. Let me tell you._

_He’s like the sun. He lights up every room and every aspect of my life. He shines like a star. If he was a star in the skies, I would want to reach up and catch him. He would be the brightest star that there is. Every little thing that he says makes my heart burst and if I could have the power to remember every little thing he’s told me, I would cherish it forever._

_Some nights when we’re still awake at 2 am we will tell each other our secrets and fears. We’ll wrap ourselves around each other and will just bask in the moment, the moment that is ours. He makes me feel like a prince and that we are the only ones in our little palace. If I could spend my entire time wrapped up in his arms then I would._

_I love him so much that sometimes it scares me. That my entire being is full of love just for him, that everything I do is for him. Sometimes saying I love you isn’t enough for what I feel for him. It’s more than just love; it’s everything that the universe can hold and more. It reaches out to all the galaxies and maybe even more._

_It sounds cheesy and a little exaggerated but it’s true._

_We’ve been together for three years now and we went out to a fancy restaurant and while we were sharing the chocolate cake we had for dessert, I realised that this really is it, that he was the one. That I would forever be with him and that we would grow old together. I realised that I wanted to marry him, have kids with him which scared me._

_It didn’t scare me in the way you might think though. It scared me because how hadn’t I thought of this before? How hadn’t I realised? I hope he feels the same way because this is it for me. He’s all I will ever need._

_If he ever finds this journal I want him to cherish this. Forever. I love you Louis._

_Harry._

And fuck. Louis did feel the same. He was the one for him; Harry was always the one for him. It just took him a little longer to realise than it did for Harry. He was the best thing to ever happen to him, will only ever be the best thing. He wished he knew earlier then maybe they would still be together. He wished Harry had just told him.

He was going to – fuck.

He couldn’t do this but he had to.

Louis looked in the box and seen more photos of them throughout 2015 but he couldn’t focus on them. There was a letter dated October 16 2015. The day that Harry left. Louis’ hands were shaking as he went to pick up the letter. He had to lay it on the bed and read it because his hands were shaking so much. This was it. This would answer all his questions that needed answers. Maybe then he would get closure.

_Louis_

_I’m sorry I’m doing this. I can’t quite believe it myself but I just can’t wrap my head around anything anymore. So much can change in the space of a few months. I love you so much, I promise I do but it’s not enough anymore._

_I don’t even know if you love me as much as you say you do. You’re spending so much time at work and I’m wrapped up in finishing my studies that we never see each other anymore. We’re both too tired to admit it and to sit down and work things through. And I just don’t know._

_I found the ring Lou; I know you’re planning to propose. If I found the ring a few months ago I would have cried from happiness but marriage isn’t going to fix something that’s starting to break. The spark is gone. At least for me it has. There’s nothing left for us. It was a great run, we loved and we fought but we always overcame everything. We were on top of the world weren’t we?_

_But now it’s gone. And I can’t stand living like this anymore, living like I don’t know what you really feel and if you’re just going to propose because you feel like it’s the right thing to do. I’m sorry that I’m leaving without saying goodbye because I just can’t put it into words and I made this box of my favourite memories of us that one day you’ll find it and understand why._

_You’re my prince Louis, but I am no longer living in a palace that I want to stay. Home doesn’t feel the same anymore. I hope you can forgive me. I hope you hate me. I hope I don’t ruin your life. I want you to move on. To find someone else and then when you find this, it’s just a beautiful memory._

_I know I left without telling you where I am now and for deleting my phone number. But at the bottom of this box is where I live now. If you ever want to come over to shout at me and tell me how much I ruined your life then go for it. I deserve it._

_I love you Louis and I think I always will but it won’t be enough._

_I’m sorry._

_Harry._

No. No no no. This couldn’t be it. This couldn’t be the reason why Louis spent the past six months wrapped up in his own sorrow. This couldn’t be the end of it all. Louis scrambled to the bottom of the box and found the note with Harry’s address. He had the letter screwed up in his hand along with the one before and the picture of them that looked like the last picture they ever took.

He threw his coat and shoes on, not giving a fuck that it was two in the morning or that he was still slightly drunk. He knew the street where Harry had moved to and he knew it would take him thirty minutes to get there but he didn’t care, couldn’t let himself think it through.

Harry said he could go to his house and shout at him and he was damned if he was going to ignore that. He stumbled through the streets, trying his hardest to make sense of what was going on and where he was most of the time considering he was still drunk. He really needed a cigarette. He went into a corner shop and picked up a can of beer and bought a pack of cigarettes.

After downing the beer and lighting up a cigarette, he ventured on. He was less angry now but that was probably because of the alcohol. It took him longer than it should have to get to his destination and how he didn’t get hit by a car he didn’t really understand but he made it. He walked down the street until he was stood outside of a small house that belonged to Harry.

He wondered if Harry had moved on. That if he knocks on the door someone else will answer. Would Harry even want to see him? He didn’t know but apparently all his morals washed away when he let more alcohol enter his system. He walked up to the front door and started to bang on it, feeling all the anger from before. The letters where still clutched in his hand and were creased from where he had such a tight grip on them.

He saw a light come on from inside the house but his fist kept hitting against the door. He knew it was too late at night for this and he would probably wake up the entire neighbourhood but he really couldn’t bring himself to care.

“Alright, alright, I’m coming hold on. Jesus, it’s nearly three in the fucking morning.” Louis froze when he heard Harry’s voice from behind the door. He heard a key in the door. He heard the door unlock. He heard the door open and he felt the light from inside invade his eyes. When his eyes focused he saw him. He wasn’t looking at him, he was looking behind him. Then his head turned in Louis’ direction.

“Alright mate, what the fuck do you -. Louis.” Harry still looked at beautiful as he did three years ago. Louis could tell he was tired. He almost felt guilty for waking him up. But that’s when he realised that Harry should be feeling guilty, not him. That’s when the anger took over him. He knew if he was sober he would be able to talk civilly but it was too late to be civil.

“What the fuck am I doing? What about you? You can’t just leave with no notice, with nothing left of you and expect me to be okay! Fuck you, fuck you Harry. Fuck you for not just fucking talking to me! I was going to fucking propose because I realised you were the one for me, the only fucking one and you just up and leave. I’ve spent these past six months hating myself and questioning and not understanding why you really left. But then I find out it was just because you had doubts? That’s not fair. None of this is fair on anyone but you! Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! I still love you because I can’t let you go. It’s not fair!” Louis threw the letters that were in his hand towards Harry but they fell in a puddle just outside the door.

“No.” Louis fell to his knees as he scrambled to save the papers from damaging. It was all he had.

“Louis, stop. It’s okay, please.” Harry grabbed hold of Louis’ arm to help him up but Louis shook him off as he picked up the remains of the letters.

“This is all I have left of you. I can’t just let them drown.” Tears started pouring down Louis’ cheeks as he held the wet pages in his hands, trying not to tear them. He felt Harry crouch down next to him.

“You can uh put them on the table inside if you want. Can let them dry out, I’m sure they’re not ruined. Yeah?” Harry put a hand under Louis’ chin and tilted his head up so they were looking into each other’s eyes for the first time in months. Louis could feel some of his anger subside and it being replaced with sadness but more importantly the love he felt for the man right in front of him. He couldn’t help himself when he leaned forward, letting their lips brush gently before he pressed harder, pulling a sigh from Harry.

It was too good to last though when Harry pushed him away with a hand on his chest.

“You’re drunk Louis. And you’re angry.”

“I still love you though. It’s all I’m sure of anymore.” Harry’s head ducked down as he breathed in a shaky breathe.

“Just, come inside. Please. It’s cold and wet out here and I don’t want to walk back home this late when you’re in this state.” Louis nodded his head and let Harry pick him up and guide him inside his home. He reluctantly let Harry take the letters from his hands and put them on the table. Louis stood in the living room, feeling the tears fall down his cheeks and the feeling of being sober encase him.

Harry walked back into the room and Louis finally looked at him properly. He was in sweatpants and jumper that Louis was certain was his but he didn’t care. His hair was longer. He knew Harry was growing out but it grew a lot in the six months they had been apart. All he wanted to do was thread his fingers through the curls but he didn’t want to cross any more boundaries.

This was the man he loved. And seeing him again just reinforced the love that he felt. Sobs started to push their way through Louis’ chest and it felt like he couldn’t breathe anymore. He felt arms wrap themselves round his body and his head was buried in the crease of Harry’s neck. Soon his arms went round Harry’s shoulders and they both started to sway slightly.

“I miss you. And it’s not the alcohol talking, it’s me. I miss you so much Harry.”

“I miss you too. I thought you would hate me, I couldn’t imagine this ever being an outcome.”

“I couldn’t imagine you leaving. But things happen.”

“I’m so sorry, Lou.” This was their moment. One of those beloved moments that Louis cherished, but the difference was that he didn’t know how Harry felt. After a while of them just wrapped around each other, Louis could feel how heavy his eyes were and the tiredness from the day hit him hard.

“I should go.” Harry saw the tiredness that was in his eyes and shook his head.

“Stay the night. You’re too tired to go anywhere, you’ll just collapse. Stay.” He knew he shouldn’t but the look in Harry’s eyes had already made his mind up for him and there was no changing it. He nodded his head and pulled his coat off letting it fall to the floor.

“I’ll take the couch.”

“No. This is your home. And I know I probably won’t see you again and I just need one more night. To get a real goodbye.” Harry nodded his head and took his hand, guiding him up the stairs to his bedroom. Louis kicked his shoes off as Harry climbed into the bed pulling the covers back for him. They wrapped themselves around each other, entangling their limbs and laid face to face.  It felt like nothing between them had changed.

“You know, I still love you too and seeing you just makes it feel stronger. I hated myself the minute I left but it was the right thing to do, I knew it was. The way I went about it wasn’t the right thing but I couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye. Maybe because I knew it wouldn’t be a real goodbye and I think that we still have our own story to finish off. But the doubts I had are still strong, they are still there and I don’t know if it would be a good idea to fall back into that state again.” Harry confessed into the space between their faces. Louis leaned forward and kissed him softly before falling back on his pillow.

“I will always love you Haz. Always.” Louis murmured out, sleep overtaking him. The last thing he felt was Harry’s lips pressing to his forehead.

...

Harry woke up, facing away from Louis. He looked at the time before turning over to look at Louis. When he turned over however, Louis wasn’t there. Harry sat up and saw that his shoes were gone and he buried his head in his hands. He looked over to where Louis was sleeping before and noticed a letter on the bed. He reached over and grabbed it, seeing that it was dated today’s date.

_Harry._

_I didn’t want to leave but I think it was best if we both clear our heads a little. But you have my number and I have yours. I also have work today and had to get home._

_Last night you told me that you loved me and I told you the same. You told me that you had doubts and that you weren’t sure if it was the right thing to be so close to each other again. And now that I’ve sobered up I admit, you were right. But you know, I think we could really make this work, I think we could really fall deeper in love again. And maybe I’ll get to propose to you._

_You really are all there is for me, I know we’re still young but I know that I love you and only ever want to be with you. You are my everything and soon this will just be a thing that happened, a thing that will be a bump in the road for us. Another thing that we overcame._

_I understand if the doubts are too much for and I understand if you don’t think you can go back to that but just know that I will always be here and even if that means I’ll only be a friend to you, then I will take it. Because it’s you, and I would do anything for you Harry._

_I get if you don’t want to see me or speak to me, I’ll let you be the one to call first this time._

_But have I ever told you how much you really mean to me? My love reaches past all the galaxies into other dimensions. Other worlds will never understand the love that I have for you. You are the moon and I’m the stars. And the night sky is our home because it’s where we both are. You mean more to me than anything ever will. I will never love anyone as much as I love you._

_So if you ever have doubts about if it’s a good thing to get back together just know that I do love you and you don’t have to doubt that. I’ll always be here; we will always be Louis and Harry no matter what the definition of our relationship is._

_I don’t really know what else to say, but just remember I’m here no matter what._

_Louis._

_P.S. I will always love you because you are my always._

**Author's Note:**

> rip I'm not ever sorry. I'm at tumblr on miniature-lou if you ever feel like screaming.
> 
> thanks for reading.


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